if men rule the world

If men ruled the world:
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would
automatically forward
your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be
deemed an acceptable
response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your
name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to
you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of
the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to
the ass and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty
much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag
names of people you'd worked for, like
"Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the
fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be
CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last
night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would
blow and you'd jump out your window and
slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30
friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage
a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches
for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you
could present your wife-to-be with a giant
foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February
29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow,
you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's
Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain
exactly the same. But it would be celebrated
every month.
COPS would be broadcast live, and you could
phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to
the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a
cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate
Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view
event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would
get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football
would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports
car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of
gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail
Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-
aleck answer you responded with would
actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all
over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100
proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red,
40-foot thong.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of
style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after
30 seconds of conversation.

I built an AI character that roasts me every morning. Best alarm clock I ever had. → drux.space/village